The Ostrich and the Elephant

A blog on spirituality, science, philosophy, ETs, and mental health

Tag: Writing

  • Writing Turned Me Into An Alcoholic Within a Month

    Well, I shouldn’t say that. Life turned me into a potential alcoholic, writing just gave me the final push. I had never been even slightly tempted by alcohol as a substance to abuse until I started to write.

    Why? Well, I have a lot of anxiety. It’s a long story that goes way back, and I’ve tried to manage it in various ways. An opioid addiction, antidepressants, withdrawing from life completely, and – that’s about the end of the list.

    But then I came upon the idea that I was meant to be a writer, of sorts. I felt like I had a lot of things to say, and I felt like they were important. I still feel that way. The problem was: I could barely sit still long enough to type a title, let alone an article.

    I started living with my dad for reasons that relate to my first blog post on here: “My disastrous spiritual awakening”, and he was a drinker. Not a come home and yell at everyone in the house type of drinker, but a drinker nonetheless. I was never very attracted to it. It didn’t seem to be my drug of choice. I had the occasional beer with him, but that was about it.

    Then I started writing, and found it only compounded my agitation and inability to sit still. So I’d have a beer to calm the nerves. Then two. Then, over the period of a day, eight. One month as a “writer” and I’m already a cliché. Hooray.

    The irony was, I was actually kind of prolific during this period. And I produced some fairly okay writing. It really did seem to help the writing process for me in a way that my other coping mechanisms – coffee, anti-anxiety pills etc – didn’t.

    In “The Way of the Superior Man” (which is a great book, and everyone should read it, male or female), David Deida refers to alcohol as a feminine substance. He didn’t delve into why this was, but I imagine it’s something to do with getting in touch with your emotions – and with my experience now I wonder whether that’s true. Maybe it dulled my emotions just enough so they were manageable enough to engage with.

    I don’t think I’m going to keep up this alcohol-fuelled writing thing for long though. I don’t see it being a viable long-term method for personal success. I’m not at a point where I feel I can meditate every day, but I’m doing other work with a couple of people which I think will help a lot with my state of being. I’ve got some akashic (I still don’t really know what that means) trance/hypnosis sessions lined up with a great guy at “Alchemical Child”, and I fortuitously met a woman in a health food/spiritual store that I had a great connection with, so I’m looking forward to delving into my subconscious a bit more with these people. I think that will really help. I’m also booked in for a 10 day silent meditation retreat up here in Queensland which I’m in two minds about attending, but I’ll feel into it closer to the date to see if I’m ready for another one of those (they are intense).

    I’m still on “leave” from my main spiritual teacher: she has cut me off completely as a way to force me to stand on my own two feet and not use her guidance as a crutch, which has been… frustrating at times, but I understand why she’s doing it.

    Fingers crossed I can get through this period and come out the other side a more functional human being.

    But still, as always,

    In love and light,

    Will.

    For more stories like this, including mental health, extraterrestrials, and spirituality, please subscribe to my blog, or follow my Facebook page “The Ostrich and the Elephant”, or find me on Twitter @willkenway, Medium @willkenway, or Instagram @will.kenway. Thanks!

  • The Difficulty I Have Sharing My Story

    A lot of the time I would prefer to be this cat.

    I’ve always been a very private and quiet person. That is just my nature. I think most of my friends would say I’m pretty entertaining when you get to know me (if sometimes annoying), but in most unfamiliar situations I am often painfully shy. To give you an example, once I was asked to read something at high school, and another student yelled out “speak!” – because I just very rarely said a word, ever. I would just hang around and listen – or in my later years when things got worse, hide away in any place I could find. This would often be sitting eating my lunch in the toilets at lunch-time. It was that bad.

    So, writing my story publicly is not something that comes easily to me at all. I’m not even a well-known writer and it is already causing me a great deal of anxiety just to share my story on Facebook and Medium. So it was always going to be difficult for me to write what I wanted to write. But this became much worse when the story I was going to tell became much worse.

    You see, I had just quit my job as a gardener to pursue what I thought would be a career in writing because for some reason it felt like it was what I was meant to do. I had no idea whether it would work out or not, but I felt like I had a lot to say, and I felt that it was important that I share it.

    Then, as any of you who have read my first blog post, “My disastrous spiritual awakening” will know, my story suddenly became much worse.

    I was no longer – as I had anticipated – just going to be writing about science and spiritual awakening and the extraterrestrial reality – I was now going to be writing about a horrible event that happened in my life.

    This made me question whether I could even be a writer. It took me nine months after the event to finally put my fingers to the keyboard and start typing. The ironic thing was, I was just about to sit down and start writing when the event happened nine months ago, so it really wasn’t something I was expecting at all.

    I spent a long time in hospital with nothing to do but ruminate over what had happened and question everything about what I was doing and what led me to that point in my life. I initially thought my blog would be a hopeful, inspirational blog – a tale of suffering to triumph over suffering through spiritual awakening – but now my story contained this very ugly episode. I thought, “I was meant to be on a path of greater understanding and bliss and wonder, and I ended up assaulting my housemate and spending three months in a mental hospital – how did my “spiritual awakening” go so horribly wrong??”

    My story is difficult to share in a number of ways. Firstly, as I mentioned, I’m a painfully shy person. I hate being the centre of attention, and if the attention is negative attention that’s twice as bad. Secondly, my story now contains something horrible, which, if I’m going to be an open and honest writer as I intended then I have to share it. Thirdly, my story contains weird stuff that a lot of people won’t understand and will likely judge me for. Hell, I would have judged me for it five years ago. And lastly, a lot of people are going to think I’m just some crazy loon.

    That’s a lot to deal with, especially for someone like me. It’s why I’ve been smoking, drinking, and taking anti-anxiety pills like there’s no tomorrow in order to cope with the angst of it all. I guess I’m just going to have to get over that and get used to it.

    But I’m still going to write, even though I’m terrified of it, because I still feel it is what I am meant to be doing. Nothing else in my life makes sense except to write and tell my story as openly and as honestly as possible.

    I still believe that spiritual awakening – and by spiritual awakening I mean recognizing the oneness and interconnectedness of all things – is the most important thing in the world, and probably the only thing that will save humanity from itself. So that’s enough of a reason for me to get over my own internal fears and keep writing. Because I believe this to be true.

    It’s not going to be easy, but I’m still going to do it. All I can hope is that people see my intention is always positive – that I am doing this because I believe it’s the best way I can contribute to society, and that all I’ve ever wanted is a more open, more loving, more connected world to live in for everyone. A world based in understanding and compassion instead of division and hatred. One based in love instead of fear. And I believe it is possible. I’m not even there yet myself – it is still a challenge for me to always try to maintain that state, but I truly believe, to end with the words of Arundhati Roy: “Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.”

    As always, with love,

    Will.

    For more stories like this, including mental health, extraterrestrials, and spirituality, please subscribe to my blog, follow my Facebook page “The Ostrich and the Elephant”, or find me on Twitter @willkenway, Medium @willkenway, or Instagram @will.kenway. Thanks!

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